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A change needs to happen soon. I need a makeover, a new wardrobe, I need to start walking in heels better. It's stupid to say, but Lady Gaga has brought out the stronger fashionista in me. Seeing her, and how much she loves fashion and wants to take it over the edge, reading more and more fashion based blogs/tumblrs just makes me want to care more about my style and take more risks. I have to learn to love my body more.

Of course with all this needing to change, I am stuck once again without a semester of college. I tried umASS Dartmouth, but they didn't want to transfer in all of my classes, especially some of the lower level classes, take theirs instead and on top of that take 4 years plus to finish their degree.....well fuck that. Emerson told me I could finish my degree there in a year, thats what I assumed as well.

I've been applying to several other places to work two part time jobs, rather than extending my hours at work, and having to explain to everyone why I am not going to college this semester. I am trying to be positive but its hard. I miss school, I miss the routine, the socialization, the feeling of belonging. The lady from my doctor's office never sent me a list of therapists, so I am going to have to call her again. I need to speak to someone, I don't want to be so depressed, I hate being so negative, I don't like feeling like the person I was in high school and college. I also hate how much regret I live with-something needs to change.


      I keep forgetting to update this thing, but then again no one reads it so why bother. So much has changed and I feel like I am still in the same predicament, stuck and wanting to get out.  I couldn't afford to go to Emerson this year, so this semester I will be at URI. I'm kinda bummed because I feel like I am missing out so much (i.e. being in Boston) but I guess getting out all together will be nice, though I am worried I will have to stay home for six more months instead of dorming because of my age.

   I've been working quite a bit more (43 hours just this week past), and seeing everyone else go on these vacations and I want in too! I'm thinking about using part of my financial aid check towards a long weekend in the August, but the thing is I just put in for another day off at work so I'm sure it might piss my boss even more if I'm like hey I don't think I will be able to work any weekend in August....SORRY!!~ I want to go back to New York so bad,  I wanna see places I haven't seen there yet, go shopping at stores I keep reading about there, and be in a hotel room by myself and just have fun.

Fun I haven't heard that word in a while, along with the word happy much either. I finally came out to my Mom and told her that I have been feeling really overwhelmed lately, and that I feel like things are falling apart. I had been crying at the drop of the hat, but pretty much been keeping it a secret, or getting extremely angry at the stupidest things. My Mom took me to the Wareham hospital where I sat around, cried, waited, and had an attractive man watch me as I felt like and looked like shit. I finally got annoyed because they wanted me to see a social worker, but I just wanted them to up my meds and give me the number to a local therapist but no. I called my crappy doctor's office to get berated by a cunty nurse. After a week or two of being on the upped meds, I have been seeing a difference, I'm not talking about Prozac happy or something but just able to control my emotions and be more motivated to do things like read (which I have been missing quite a bit). I still have a hard time getting out of bed, but I think it is the excessive hours I am working and working till 9 so why should I think I have to get up at 8am?!

Who knows....


Holy crap I haven't written in this thing since February, damn. So much has happened.

-School, almost over for the semester, which I am extremely happy about.  My visual merchandising class was a complete waste of time, and I learned nothing from it, except that I can get into old bitch mood very quickly when bothered.

-Got into Emerson (WAHOO), so happy and worried at the same time. I mean I am so happy I got in, but financial issues are really worrying me. I barely got any money in financial aid to help support me, and I still haven't heard anything back about the dorming situation. Which is another situation, anytime I mention to people that I will be dorming, I always get the same reaction "oh", well fuck you but I am not commuting an hour and a half everyday to get to class, I already deal with a 40 minute drive and can barely stand that. Plus too I want to leave home again, I liked living on my own (sorta), and dont feel that its that good for a person who is almost 25 to still be living at home.

-Working more and more, got two dog sitting jobs right in a row, which that money will go right into gas, and auto insurance. Sucks of course because I wont be able to save up any money really for school.  But I have been checking out other jobs, I think I need a change for the summertime, and want so more time to do fun things (i.e. summer shows, movies, hanging out with the last bit of friends that I sorta have, etc.)

-Even though I still have no money whatsoever, I really want to go on a min-vacation to somewhere close. Dad and Lu Ann went on a cruise, Mom and Tom are heading to Ireland in June, maybye I can spend a long weekend in NYC, Boston, or even Providence just to have a little fun this summer.

hear here

It's Friday night, and I have no idea what to do.  I finally finished my essays for college applications, and they will go in tommorrow afternoon. Of course I could do homework, or read, but instead I bought 3 different magazines, and am sitting on my ass watching tv reruns. I do have the house all to myself which is nice, except I would do the same exact thing if my Dad & Stepmom were here, but silence can be a good thing.

School...hmmm, too much to say about school. To be honest I am really not enjoying this semester, I don't know if its just that I am in a different mind set, or I don't particularly like one of my teachers, or that some of my classmates disturb me by their stupidty.  Though speaking of stupidty I must say joining English 54 British Literature, hasn't made me feel like the smartest person. I guess because we never really studied too much British Literature in high school or at Ai, so my train of thought is a little wonky.  Science has actually become a fun class, much different than I expected, and Advertising is pretty much starting to get fun.  Now as for Visual Merchandising that is a whole 'notha level! That bitch is crazy. I can honestly say in all my years of education, and especially public education, this is by far the worst teacher I have ever had. I thought my Macro-Economics teacher was bad, pffftttt nothing compared to this.

So I am 24 now,  by at least 12 days. My birthday went well, I feel really old now, and going to that transfer open house at Emerson, made me feel even older. I guess I have to realize that sometimes growing up too fast, and having to become more independent as a child can be a bad thing. Odd enough to say, but I wish I made more mistakes as a teen, rather than always being so good. Though I am happy I've never done drugs, or drank, I guess I just wish I felt a bit more normal as a teen, so that way I don't feel so regretful of my youth.  Plus too, I wish I wasn't so angry as a kid and teen, but then again it was the situation I was dealt with, and I have to look back and realize that I was taking out my anger on people who didn't deserve it (i.e. friends), and that I shouldn't have let them become so pent up. 

But through all this, I keep trying to be positive, it may not always seem like it, and hell sometimes I prefer a good cry, then having to deal with life at that moment, but I have to keep going. Something will happen, it just has to. I am trying to be positive for what the summer will hold, I know I wont be in school because I can't afford it, but maybe I could get an internship somewhere, more job hours, maybe save up some money and do a long weekend trip somewhere.  


Wow it's been October since I've written in this thing, I feel like I should add so much more. I read up to 20 blogs a day, yet never write for my own. I want to change that, I think it would be more cathartic to write, then just keep everything bottled up. Plus too I want to start photographing more, there are so many great bloggers out there with amazing photography, and though I don't think I would be amazing at it, I think it would be more interesting to have or to look at on a blog.  A couple of things have happened since October:

1. Thanksgiving-This year I cooked a 17lb. turkey all by myself and of course the fixings. I've always cooked smaller birds because its always been my Mom, Granma, and I, but this year we had Tom, and Mom's friends (Ginnie and Peter) over, so we of course needed a larger bird.

2. Finals-HECTIC, HECTIC, HECTIC. I think my brain went on overload, but I did a lot better than I thought I would. 3 B+, and 1 B. My Marketing project didn't go as well as I would have hoped because most of my group members didn't actually look at the project, or read the essay beforehand, so they would know what to say. French I got a B+ in, which really surprised me because I can't speak or write a lick of French even after taking 4 months of it. Honors went semi-well, I did get a B+ in it, but I don't think I would join the Honors Curriculum, too much to handle. My Honors Final Project though did go well, I was really surprised and felt that my project went well (both my teacher and peers said stuff to me individually about how well it went).

3. URI- Still waiting to hear back, and it better be soon. I need to get out, and start experiencing things at a real school, sure community college is a real school, but nothing is really last longs (i.e. groups, activities), and socializing is really hard when you have to spend 45 minutes just getting to class in the first place. I really want to get into URI, I want to live on my own again (sure I will be living in a single dorm, but I don't mind, I need to be around people my own age), I want to study abroad, I want to be apart of a really great internship (Conde Nast Summer Internship here I come!!), I want to join clubs/organizations. I just want to belong.

4. Dog sitting- I spent a week up in Norton watching th dogs, or should I say dog. Sadly they had to put one of their dogs down, so only one is left. It was weird only having to take care of one, as opposed to two.

5. Christmas- Went well this year, and was really nice, I got a lot of great stuff (especially gift cards, thank god for those), but would have love to have been able to buy more presents this year. I really feel like I didn't get people enough stuff, and would have liked to have bought more. Of course going from a job where I worked full-time and made $13/hour- a part-time job where I only make $8.50/hour does make a difference.

6. New Year's- Watched a lot of random television, especially the next day when my Mom and I decided to spend watching a couple of hours watching Animal Planet's "Dogs 101" and "Cats 101".  So far I've decided to that my resolution would not be to loose weight, or stop drinking soda so much, but to like myself a little more this year. I want my self-confidence to grow into something other than nothing, I want to find the positives in body and face, rather than the negatives. Thank God for V magazine doing two seperate plus sized photoshoots, to make me feel more confidant that I can be beautiful at a size 18. I am also thankful for blogs like Musings of a Fatshionista, and Young, Fat, and Fabulous-they make me wanna dress better, and be more happy with my curves.

turn it over

Currently going insane with homework, and worrying about my GPA. I feel like I am not smart enough for my Honors class. I know I am smart however, I just don't think I am smart enough for this class in particular. I am doing well (for once) in my math class, and in fact, am getting 90+ on weekly tests! I am doing well in my marketing class, though I think it helped that I took Public Relations before it, because most of the key words I already knew.

I pretty much know I will be applying to Emerson College in Boston, MA and University of Rhode Island, in Kingston, RI. I haven't visited the campus of URI, but their booklet, and website is extremely informative, and I can always visit the school after I get in, haha. I am going to visit Emerson again, but this time with my Mom on the 26th, so I hope I can sit down with an Admissions Counselor, and show my grades and what I've been doing, since I have to apply electronically.

Finished reading "The Guinea Pig Diaries" by A.J. Jacobs, funnily enough we had to write an immersion diary where we just write down exactly what we are thinking at the exact moment while doing something (reading a book, watching a movie at home, finishing work, etc.), and I mentioned in my writing about multi-tasking and how it actually is fairly inept, and how our society makes it impossible t do things one at a time. I keep checking his website in hopes that he will add Boston to his tour date, but of course no. Damn.

On the brightside Augusten Burroughs is doing a book signing late October at the Collidge Corner Theatre for his new book which is supposed ot be a collection of short stories all about Christmastime. So excited. I am trying to get my mother to go, she read " A Wolf At The Table", and it enjoyed it (and was horrified as well with most things that I read or enjoy watching).

Currently reading however, "The Heart is Deceitful of All Things" by JT Leroy, or whatever her real name is (completely forgot), and also bought at B&N "Rant" by Chuck Palahniuk. I also want to start a reading project where I try and read (if possibly) any book that has been banned in U.S. history, I already downloaded the Top 100 most popular banned books in US History, so it should be interesting to try and do.

I finally got into Teen Vogue Fashion University, two days before registration ended. So of course I can't go as I have no money, and didn't during registration time. If they had sent me the acceptance email on the date they said they were going to, September 15th, I would have actually had money to go. So sad because I wanted to experience it one more time. Oh well.

On the 2nd season of "The IT Crowd" all I have to say is British tv is so much better than American tv (i.e. The IT Crowd, Absolutely Fabulous, Skins, The Office, Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares, The Graham Norton Show). I guess they tried to do an American version which I am surprised didn't work out, but would have loved to see even a pilot episode of it.


+Back in school, busy as ever, but happy.

+Looking at schools, Emerson is at top, but with University of Rhode Island follows a close second

+Cut down my work hours because I have more schoolwork this semester, which means I probably wont even make $100 on my upcoming paycheck. BOO.

+Finally saw Inglorious Basterds, all I have to say is SO GOOD

+Reading "The Guinea Pig Diaries" by A.J. Jacobs, which is awesome, I wish he was doing a reading/singing in Boston, but on his website he doesn't even come close to Massachusetts.

More of a real update to follow....

pick and choose

+Apparently the weather is having a hard time deciding it should be rainy or hot, so instead it does both.

+Working more hours, which means by the time I get home the lights are all off and everyone is in bed. I guess its kinda nice, but I am just getting sick of waiting around for school to start up again. I have an entire month to wait for, and I can't stand it.

+Plus side to my extra time is that I am going to volunteer at a local animal shelter on Mondays helping out wherever necessary. Also doing the Backpack 2 School program, except this year I am only picking 1 kid because I can't afford to do two kids this time.

+Been trying to find a black or charcoal blazer with white or black piping (depending on the color of the blazer), except Torrid used to carry it but they only have it in a size 4, which is way too big. I'm also trying to find a dress I really liked on WhatIWore Tumblr.

+Joined Facebook, still trying to figuire it out and see if it is a good idea.

+Stressed about money, money,money.

all i have to do

+ Finally back home for real after two weeks of dog sitting, two weeks off from it, then a week back on. I liked the extra money but it pretty much went away once I got it. Hopefully I should have a good paycheck this Wednesday because I worked an after 5 hours filling in for someone on Monday.

+Never got a letter of declination from Boston University even though I have come to the conclusion that I didn't get in, I still would have appreciated the letter so I wouldn't have to worry . I have been checking out Emerson College, and am going to a campus visit this Friday which I am happy about. I might check out Newbury College as well that day if they ever email me back. I might check out Suffolk University and maybe Northeastern University, if I find out where it is.

+Applied for the Teen Vogue Fashion University, though I don't know how good it is going to be because the sponsors aren't as great as last year (last year: Target, Kodak, Maybelinne, Smart Water, Redken-this year: H&M, Baby Phat, Pac Sun, and Charlotte Russe). Anything to get me back in New York though. Plus too this time I might try to make contacts as I am actually in college now.

+Nothing else new, but I would like some new clothes, everything I have is overworn, and I need a pair of clean black sneakers that actually fit me.

cut off

Basically I left a long ass blogroll, then forgot to finish because I was interrupted, and never got back to doing it.

Working, working, working, which equals tired all the time and feeling like a bum because I never get out of bed before 9 now. It just feels nice having a paycheck, so I can pay for all my debt/bills.

Good side though: Spring Semester GPA: 3.67 MUTHAFUCKAS!!!!!! Of course I got a B in MacroEconomics because well I hate them man and didn't agree with his ideals. Other than that I was so pumped, I didn't do nearly as good at Ai, and my classes were less involved.

Bad side though: Missbehave totally died. I am so bummed, I knew once they became a "digital magazine" they would go kinda downhill, but it seems like the creator of Missbehave just let it fall apart and didn't really give a shit about the readers. There were some really kick ass female (and some male bloggers) on there, like Lesley Arfin and Baby Sinead.  It was a daily routine for me to go to their site and feel like I was living in a bit of culture rather than living in a beach town while feeling of no way out.

Still haven't heard from BU, but I also haven't checked the mail in two days, but man I really need to get in. Its become less about wanting to get in, and now needing to get in.

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September 2010


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